My Mid-College Crisis

Something is changing about me this summer. I can sense it, and it's exhilarating.

Life, in general, has come easy to me. That might sound prideful; if it does, I'm sorry. Growing up I was always a straight-A student, and that infuriating kind who you knew wasn't even trying. I always had a close group of friends, never had a major tragedy hit me, always had a loving and fully-function family, never been deeply depressed. I knew the things I wasn't good at (sports, public speaking) and easily steered clear of them. Breezing through life, no problem.

Except for this last semester. If you've read my blog, you already know, that weird things started happening (and if you don't like the redundancy, you can skip this paragraph). Problems breathing, a racing heartbeat and dizziness, an inability to focus or relax, and a general sense of unease haunting me at random times. Suddenly, far from breezing through life, I was crippled. I ditched most every discussion section or group meeting, to avoid embarrassment should those symptoms appear. I couldn't study before exams, and was only half there while I was taking them. Of course there were plenty of great days, but so many awful ones. I downplayed the awfulness to everyone, including roommates (if you're reading this), but it was there. I really felt, at times, like it would effectively ruin my life. That I'd fail all my classes, retreat from my friends, and completely crash and burn.

You've heard it before. Diagnosed with panic disorder, got treated, doing great now, blah blah blah. The point is, at the worst moments of last semester, I felt like life was impossible, even the most rote activity. Now things are tipping the other way.

As cheesy as it sounds, I really feel awake right now. Completely. And, with only two years left before I'm out of college and working a 9-5 job, I feel an urgent need to stretch myself as much as I can.

The day before I left Berkeley for summer, I got an e-mail inviting me to apply for the Honors degree. Only 10-20 people are generally admitted, and with no extra-curricular activity of any kind I didn't really think I had a shot. But I figured I'd write a 15-minute essay, fill out the paperwork, and turn it in just in case. Now I'm admitted, and instead of a lazy schedule next year, I'm taking 20 units.

A few weeks ago I got an e-mail asking if I'd write a program for the Athletic Department. Normally I'd be too lazy, but now I'm going to do it, for no particular reason.

Tonight I got an e-mail from a professor, asking if I'd be interested in doing research with him, working with making AI for auto-flying stunt copters, robotic insects, and even auto-surgeons. In the past professors have invited me to participate in extracurricular things with them (never this cool), but I always ignored it. I didn't need it to get a degree, and since it might require public speaking (which I hate), I figured it'd be easier to reject. Now, I just turned in my resume and transcript, and am excited to hear back. I'm also going to contact another professor about paid tutoring.


During the low point of last semester, I was in and out of the doctor's office and convinced I had a heart problem. So I took up running. I've never been an athletic person, but waking up before class, putting on headphones, and doing a 2-and-a-half mile run felt incredible. Now I'm playing soccer and tennis on a weekly basis, and going on excruciating bike rides with my dad. I'm sure I'll never be ripped, but I feel better than I have in years. I'm considering joining an intramural team next year.

Last year I wasn't very active in the church. I didn't feel like I related well to people in the college group, and I had a good batch of friends outside of it. It was easier. Now I'm going to everything I can, trying to meet new people, and almost certainly looking for a group in Berkeley to join.

I hate public speaking, and have for years. Especially hearing it recorded; I hated having speaking roles in movies, and still refuse to watch the tape of my valedictorian speech. Now I'm occasionally guest hosting The Spoiler Warning podcast (http://www.thespoilerwarning.com), and finding it's really fun.

In short, something is changing in me. In trivial ways (podcast, sports) and important ones (honors degree, research), I'm striving to take every chance that comes my way. I'm working 4-5 days a week, booking every night with some activity or commitment, and feeling great. Next semester will be insanely busy, and I'll probably be in way over my head. But the rush of pushing myself so hard is intoxicating. Bad metaphors include: running a marathon, coming up for a breath of fresh air after being under-water, seeing the sunrise after a long night, that long hilly bike ride I did last week and nearly fainted from, and Sisyphus pushing a rock up a hill.

Goodnight.