As Close to a Diary As I'll Ever Get

I said from the beginning that this blog would be for "thoughts" and not really personal stuff. I guess that's mostly still true, but I'm going to break form tonight. Sorry everyone (Miles and maybe someone else?)

This summer has been pretty great for me. To start with, I finished my last semester with a 4.0, and just got into the honors degree program at Berkeley. That sort of thing definitely makes it easy to relax over the summer, feeling like I've earned it a bit. I really don't want to seem like I'm bragging, since I know if I read a blog (or Twitter) with someone talking about that sort of thing, I'd be annoyed. But, especially with all the crap I went through last semester (see earlier post), it's a huge relief to me that everything turned out so well. Like the calm after a storm, or something along those lines.

Then there's work: I've been working 5 days a week at a great job. While other friends are stocking shelves or flipping burgers, I'm in an office designing a catalog, or a recording studio with a narrator, or at home listening to a book. Really fulfilling stuff, getting to use some actual talents (programming, writing) at a job and see the finished product, especially for a good, Christian company. Next Monday a few thousand catalogs will be printed, and seeing descriptions I've written and stylistic decisions actually being used, is going to be a good feeling. It's not much (anyone could do it), but it definitely beats Dairy Queen.

Outside of work, I've been spending a lot of time with friends. I've been a lot more active (weekly soccer, tennis, beach, etc), which feels great. I've spent plenty of time with old friends (who might read this blog?), but I've also been getting to know a lot of people from church, which has been incredibly refreshing. Probably moreso than I let on. I only went to church a handful of times this last year at college, and I'd forgotten how nice it feels. When I do go back next month, I hope to keep in touch.

Compare that to last summer. At the beginning of the summer, I broke up with my girlfriend of three years (who might actually be reading this.) We had gotten very close, to the point where it was almost assumed by us (and parents) that we'd eventually get married. Now, with no teenage angst or emo tendencies in me, I'll say that it hurts to do that to someone. Very much. And the month or two afterwards, sharing the same group of friends and needing to learn to adjust to everything, arguments and all, was rough. I spent plenty of time alone to leave some breathing room for it all, and things were much quieter much more often. It was definitely a new feeling for me. Something most people will feel many times, and to a much worse degree, than I did, I understand. But still, they weren't the cheeriest of times.

Weirdly enough though, my memory of that summer isn't really bad. The opposite, actually. There's something about sadness and solitude that's sort of pure. The best way I can describe it is cathartic, or rejuvinating. The same reason I like driving alone overnight, or listening to sad music or watching a sad movie, on occasion. Or the same reason I want, in the near future, to leave early in the morning and take a solo drive to the desert before sunrise, and just sit there. It seems cliche and silly, but I really think those sort of moments are worth pursuing...in small doses, of course. Being a generally sad person is an imbalanced way to live, but I think constantly surrounding yourself with people and happy thoughts is too. We need both, at times.

So, there's a healthy dose of personal stuff for you. I feel a little guilty writing it, to be honest. There's no analogy or neat underlying theme to tie everything together, just some unrelated thoughts. I'm very sorry. That's as close to a diary as I'll ever get, I give you my word on that. Next post I won't even use the first person!