A Criticism from my Younger Self

Last night I spent a few hours getting coffee / Denny's with a friend of mine. Somewhere in the late night rambling conversation, it came up that someone or a group of someones were under the impression that I was "losing my morals" up at Berkeley -- sparked, I'm guessing, by a Facebook note I wrote about why I wasn't voting Yes on Prop 8.

Obviously, whoever it was didn't mean anything by it. I'm not going to tirade against "gossip" or martyr myself like that; it happens to everyone, it's no big deal, and it didn't even really bother me. But it did get me thinking about changes in my life, and how a perception like that could come about. In particular, what the 13-year-old Stephen Miller would think about 20-year-old one. His opinion, I'm sure, would be at least as harsh.

At 13, I was perfectly content with my beliefs and my lifestyle. I was a strong Christian -- never, for a moment, shaken or doubting. I was a Young Earth Creationist, armed with plenty of arguments to defend my position in debates or discussions. I was a Republican, the only sensible thing to be. My beliefs were set in stone, and I not only knew they were true; I knew I could persuade anyone else that they were true if the need arose. Anyone of the opposing viewpoint was clearly just stubborn. I was more sure of myself, at that age, than I have been ever since.

Looking back, that sort of cockiness seems unreasonable -- it was presumptuous to think that so much of the world was willfully ignorant, and that all of their so-called difficult questions could be answered by a 13-year-old with braces and a bowl cut. But it's hard to criticize myself for it. It's how I was raised, and I imagine how most people were raised. We're taught our parents' values (moral or political) and until we're old enough to learn the subtleties of the issues, we're left with only black-and-white sketches. We think that those sketches, a summary of the issues through a biased lens, are really all there is to the argument. With that mindset, one side will always seem obvious, and the other stupid or immoral. I don't think it's indoctrination, it's just a necessary part of growing up. If any child actually limited himself to proper evidence and argument, he'd have no convictions at all; he just doesn't have the wisdom to sort through it all.

Anyway, that's a tangent. Back to the point, 13-year-old Stephen doesn't approve of me. He sees my political leanings as wishy-washy and pathetic, a compromise of my values in an effort to seem "open". He sees my views on the age of the earth as a distortion of the character of God, and a picking-and-choosing of Biblical truths. He sees the entertainment I expose myself to and the people I surround myself with as disgusting and unchristian. He is indignant about some of the sins I've committed, and how many standards I've abandoned. He sees me as just another person with such potential, wasted to the empty skepticism college brings. He knows I still have faith, but sees it as carnal and hollow.

Not all of those criticisms are misinformed; some of them are real, and I seriously need to consider them. What image do I portray of myself? Do I live out what I say? Was the confidence I used to have, flawed as it may have been, better than the state of my life now? Was my de-sheltering process worth the loss of innocence? How will I raise my kids to see the world? What will I think of myself in another 7 years?

Comments welcome.