Saturday, July 25, 2009
Tuesday, July 21, 2009
Why Victimization is Killing the Church
I work for an audio publisher. Today I was going through our entire web catalog and pulling info from Amazon for each book. That means about 1500 titles, all either Christian or classic fiction. Going through those numbers are bound to get you cynical. For instance, one author (Gary Chapman) had to have written FIFTY books on the same topic: marriage. Among others:
The Five Love Languages, The Five Love Languages of Kids, The Five Love Languages of Teenagers, The Five Love Languages for Singles, The Five Languages of Apology, The Five Love Languages: Men's Edition, The Heart of the Five Love Languages, God Speaks Your Love Language, Now You're Speaking My Language, Making Love, Love is a Verb, The Marriage You've Always Wanted, The Family You've Always Wanted...
Seriously, he'd better have one VERY happy wife and kids, and be at least bilingual (if not penta-lingual!)
More to the point, though, I ran across a book titled The Criminalization of Christianity: Read This Book Before It Becomes Illegal! by Janet L. Folger. Now, to be fair, I have not read this book (and it seems to be pretty highly rated). But just from the description, I think I have a good idea what she's getting at.
"There is a war going on for the future of our country. Most people know that. What they may not know is that if Christians lose, the result won’t merely be enduring public policy we disagree with—it will be a prison sentence for those who oppose it. We’ve all seen the attack coming. First the Supreme Court said kids can’t pray in school. Then the Ten Commandments were ripped from the classrooms. Now pastors are being removed from their pulpits and put in jail for speaking out against homosexuality (Sweden). And things are only getting worse. How in the world did we get to this place? And why is it that Christians are singled out in this assault on morality? Serving as a wake-up call for America, this book will expose the truth that Christianity is being criminalized—and that we must stand up against it now." (taken from Amazon)
This seems dishonest to me. First of all, the subtitle: "Read This Book Before It Becomes Illegal." Really? In a country where tolerance (an almost insane amount of tolerance) and the freedom of speech is upheld, we're supposed to believe a Christian book will be illegal? The same country that, according to numerous polls, would not elect a president if he didn't claim to be a man of faith? Gimme a break. Secondly, the wording the author uses in her examples. "The Supreme Court said kids can't pray in school" -- no, it said the school won't facilitate prayer, just a moment of silence (nonspecific to any religion). "Then the Ten Commandments were ripped from the classrooms" -- a lame thing for the ACLU to be upset about, of course, but still, a public school in a non-theocratic government doesn't need to quote Scripture. I'd hardly call that an attack. And Sweden isn't our country, so...
Don't get me wrong. I do believe that, in certain instances, people have pushed the idea of tolerance too far. I do think getting highly offended over prayer and the Ten Commandments is silly (even if, in principle, they have a point). I also don't mean to judge this author too quickly, since I have not read what she has to say. But it brings up a trend which, I think, is killing the church's relationship with the outside world. And that's victimization.
There's a huge trend in the church, or at least in the media feeding it, towards making us out to be victims. When the president says "Happy Holidays" instead of "Merry Christmas," it's an attack on our values. When the ACLU defends a complaint about prayers to Christ facilitated by government-funded schools, they are an anti-religion extremist group, out to exterminate us. And when contoversial issues like gay marriage come up, books like this come out, telling us that if we don't take action, the government will soon make our beliefs illegal. Persecution!
I think the fact that we get so upset about this, is a slap in the face to real Christians suffering real persecution in the world. While others are forced to meet underground to worship, and face jail time for translating a Bible, we get in an uproar because our kids won't be led by a teacher to pray in schools, and instead are forced to pray at home, or at church, or at the top of their lungs on a street corner while holding a sign saying "Obama is the Antichrist," with zero retribution. And yes, I've seen that many times at Berkeley, the most liberal place on earth.
We live in a country where religious freedom is respected, almost to insane extremes. It's respected to the point where the ACLU will fight to defend the outrageously hateful Westboro Baptist Church, of GodHatesFags notoriety, purely on the merits of free speech. They are free to picket the funerals of homosexuals, with signs saying "(name of deceased) is BURNING IN HELL", "GOD HATES FAGS", and "THANK GOD FOR AIDS" without legal recourse. Every sane citizen deplores them, countless vigilantes try to hurt them, but the government and groups like the ACLU still defends their right to exist, and exist loudly. It's also respected to such an extreme, that when the government appears to be playing favorites with any group (including the majority, Christianity), it changes. Even when the reasons seem silly or trivial, any favoritism at all is eliminated. Meanwhile, it funds our places of worship, lets us congregate publically, and even gives us the freedom to publish books about how they refuse to give us freedom.
Imagine being a Muslim in this country less than 10 years ago. It's September 12, 2001, and the majority of the country distrusts you. You're stopped and searched at airports, people are afraid of you, you're called names like "towel-head" because of the garments you truly believe your god wants you to wear. You may possess the brightest legal mind and the greatest diplomatic skills, but you have absolutely no shot at being elected president (honestly), solely because of your personal beliefs. You're the minority, in a country where another religion, Christianity (at least professed Christianity) is the majority, and makes up the biggest voting demographic any political leader needs to win. You'll hear Christian radio programs on the way to work, pass 30 Christian churches for every 1 mosque, and see books by Joel Osteen making bestsellers lists in every bookstore. Can we really say that we, against all other religions, are being discriminated?
That's not to say everything is perfect. Sometimes poor decisions are made, people stretch the limits of "tolerance" too far, and things get muddled. But overall, we live in a country that gives us more personal, religious freedom than anywhere I can think of. To paint ourselves as martyrs in this regard makes light of true suffering everywhere, and makes it hard for others to take us seriously. Instead of showing joy and freedom in Christ, we seem short-tempered, whiny, and unable to see anyone else's point of view. When a real injustice (even a small one) does occur, we refuse to peacefully disagree, but instead stir up controversy and villify everyone, evoking the name of God.
In the New Testament, Christians are constantly under siege by the government, being imprisoned and put to death for preaching. Even then, in the face of real persecution and true injustice, I don't see a hint of the bitterness the church has today. Instead they peacefully accept it -- Paul, unjustly imprisoned, even remains in his jail cell after an earthquake breaks him free (Acts 16). No badmouthing the government, no revolts or protests, just the continued Gospel message. I hope the church can do likewise. There are too many real, important issues worth dealing with.
[Sorry if that sounded like a rant. It's late, and I'm tired and didn't take the time to pick my words as carefully as I sometimes do.]
The Five Love Languages, The Five Love Languages of Kids, The Five Love Languages of Teenagers, The Five Love Languages for Singles, The Five Languages of Apology, The Five Love Languages: Men's Edition, The Heart of the Five Love Languages, God Speaks Your Love Language, Now You're Speaking My Language, Making Love, Love is a Verb, The Marriage You've Always Wanted, The Family You've Always Wanted...
Seriously, he'd better have one VERY happy wife and kids, and be at least bilingual (if not penta-lingual!)
More to the point, though, I ran across a book titled The Criminalization of Christianity: Read This Book Before It Becomes Illegal! by Janet L. Folger. Now, to be fair, I have not read this book (and it seems to be pretty highly rated). But just from the description, I think I have a good idea what she's getting at.
"There is a war going on for the future of our country. Most people know that. What they may not know is that if Christians lose, the result won’t merely be enduring public policy we disagree with—it will be a prison sentence for those who oppose it. We’ve all seen the attack coming. First the Supreme Court said kids can’t pray in school. Then the Ten Commandments were ripped from the classrooms. Now pastors are being removed from their pulpits and put in jail for speaking out against homosexuality (Sweden). And things are only getting worse. How in the world did we get to this place? And why is it that Christians are singled out in this assault on morality? Serving as a wake-up call for America, this book will expose the truth that Christianity is being criminalized—and that we must stand up against it now." (taken from Amazon)
This seems dishonest to me. First of all, the subtitle: "Read This Book Before It Becomes Illegal." Really? In a country where tolerance (an almost insane amount of tolerance) and the freedom of speech is upheld, we're supposed to believe a Christian book will be illegal? The same country that, according to numerous polls, would not elect a president if he didn't claim to be a man of faith? Gimme a break. Secondly, the wording the author uses in her examples. "The Supreme Court said kids can't pray in school" -- no, it said the school won't facilitate prayer, just a moment of silence (nonspecific to any religion). "Then the Ten Commandments were ripped from the classrooms" -- a lame thing for the ACLU to be upset about, of course, but still, a public school in a non-theocratic government doesn't need to quote Scripture. I'd hardly call that an attack. And Sweden isn't our country, so...
Don't get me wrong. I do believe that, in certain instances, people have pushed the idea of tolerance too far. I do think getting highly offended over prayer and the Ten Commandments is silly (even if, in principle, they have a point). I also don't mean to judge this author too quickly, since I have not read what she has to say. But it brings up a trend which, I think, is killing the church's relationship with the outside world. And that's victimization.
There's a huge trend in the church, or at least in the media feeding it, towards making us out to be victims. When the president says "Happy Holidays" instead of "Merry Christmas," it's an attack on our values. When the ACLU defends a complaint about prayers to Christ facilitated by government-funded schools, they are an anti-religion extremist group, out to exterminate us. And when contoversial issues like gay marriage come up, books like this come out, telling us that if we don't take action, the government will soon make our beliefs illegal. Persecution!
I think the fact that we get so upset about this, is a slap in the face to real Christians suffering real persecution in the world. While others are forced to meet underground to worship, and face jail time for translating a Bible, we get in an uproar because our kids won't be led by a teacher to pray in schools, and instead are forced to pray at home, or at church, or at the top of their lungs on a street corner while holding a sign saying "Obama is the Antichrist," with zero retribution. And yes, I've seen that many times at Berkeley, the most liberal place on earth.
We live in a country where religious freedom is respected, almost to insane extremes. It's respected to the point where the ACLU will fight to defend the outrageously hateful Westboro Baptist Church, of GodHatesFags notoriety, purely on the merits of free speech. They are free to picket the funerals of homosexuals, with signs saying "(name of deceased) is BURNING IN HELL", "GOD HATES FAGS", and "THANK GOD FOR AIDS" without legal recourse. Every sane citizen deplores them, countless vigilantes try to hurt them, but the government and groups like the ACLU still defends their right to exist, and exist loudly. It's also respected to such an extreme, that when the government appears to be playing favorites with any group (including the majority, Christianity), it changes. Even when the reasons seem silly or trivial, any favoritism at all is eliminated. Meanwhile, it funds our places of worship, lets us congregate publically, and even gives us the freedom to publish books about how they refuse to give us freedom.
Imagine being a Muslim in this country less than 10 years ago. It's September 12, 2001, and the majority of the country distrusts you. You're stopped and searched at airports, people are afraid of you, you're called names like "towel-head" because of the garments you truly believe your god wants you to wear. You may possess the brightest legal mind and the greatest diplomatic skills, but you have absolutely no shot at being elected president (honestly), solely because of your personal beliefs. You're the minority, in a country where another religion, Christianity (at least professed Christianity) is the majority, and makes up the biggest voting demographic any political leader needs to win. You'll hear Christian radio programs on the way to work, pass 30 Christian churches for every 1 mosque, and see books by Joel Osteen making bestsellers lists in every bookstore. Can we really say that we, against all other religions, are being discriminated?
That's not to say everything is perfect. Sometimes poor decisions are made, people stretch the limits of "tolerance" too far, and things get muddled. But overall, we live in a country that gives us more personal, religious freedom than anywhere I can think of. To paint ourselves as martyrs in this regard makes light of true suffering everywhere, and makes it hard for others to take us seriously. Instead of showing joy and freedom in Christ, we seem short-tempered, whiny, and unable to see anyone else's point of view. When a real injustice (even a small one) does occur, we refuse to peacefully disagree, but instead stir up controversy and villify everyone, evoking the name of God.
In the New Testament, Christians are constantly under siege by the government, being imprisoned and put to death for preaching. Even then, in the face of real persecution and true injustice, I don't see a hint of the bitterness the church has today. Instead they peacefully accept it -- Paul, unjustly imprisoned, even remains in his jail cell after an earthquake breaks him free (Acts 16). No badmouthing the government, no revolts or protests, just the continued Gospel message. I hope the church can do likewise. There are too many real, important issues worth dealing with.
[Sorry if that sounded like a rant. It's late, and I'm tired and didn't take the time to pick my words as carefully as I sometimes do.]
Thursday, July 16, 2009
My Mid-College Crisis
Something is changing about me this summer. I can sense it, and it's exhilarating.
Life, in general, has come easy to me. That might sound prideful; if it does, I'm sorry. Growing up I was always a straight-A student, and that infuriating kind who you knew wasn't even trying. I always had a close group of friends, never had a major tragedy hit me, always had a loving and fully-function family, never been deeply depressed. I knew the things I wasn't good at (sports, public speaking) and easily steered clear of them. Breezing through life, no problem.
Except for this last semester. If you've read my blog, you already know, that weird things started happening (and if you don't like the redundancy, you can skip this paragraph). Problems breathing, a racing heartbeat and dizziness, an inability to focus or relax, and a general sense of unease haunting me at random times. Suddenly, far from breezing through life, I was crippled. I ditched most every discussion section or group meeting, to avoid embarrassment should those symptoms appear. I couldn't study before exams, and was only half there while I was taking them. Of course there were plenty of great days, but so many awful ones. I downplayed the awfulness to everyone, including roommates (if you're reading this), but it was there. I really felt, at times, like it would effectively ruin my life. That I'd fail all my classes, retreat from my friends, and completely crash and burn.
You've heard it before. Diagnosed with panic disorder, got treated, doing great now, blah blah blah. The point is, at the worst moments of last semester, I felt like life was impossible, even the most rote activity. Now things are tipping the other way.
As cheesy as it sounds, I really feel awake right now. Completely. And, with only two years left before I'm out of college and working a 9-5 job, I feel an urgent need to stretch myself as much as I can.
The day before I left Berkeley for summer, I got an e-mail inviting me to apply for the Honors degree. Only 10-20 people are generally admitted, and with no extra-curricular activity of any kind I didn't really think I had a shot. But I figured I'd write a 15-minute essay, fill out the paperwork, and turn it in just in case. Now I'm admitted, and instead of a lazy schedule next year, I'm taking 20 units.
A few weeks ago I got an e-mail asking if I'd write a program for the Athletic Department. Normally I'd be too lazy, but now I'm going to do it, for no particular reason.
Tonight I got an e-mail from a professor, asking if I'd be interested in doing research with him, working with making AI for auto-flying stunt copters, robotic insects, and even auto-surgeons. In the past professors have invited me to participate in extracurricular things with them (never this cool), but I always ignored it. I didn't need it to get a degree, and since it might require public speaking (which I hate), I figured it'd be easier to reject. Now, I just turned in my resume and transcript, and am excited to hear back. I'm also going to contact another professor about paid tutoring.
During the low point of last semester, I was in and out of the doctor's office and convinced I had a heart problem. So I took up running. I've never been an athletic person, but waking up before class, putting on headphones, and doing a 2-and-a-half mile run felt incredible. Now I'm playing soccer and tennis on a weekly basis, and going on excruciating bike rides with my dad. I'm sure I'll never be ripped, but I feel better than I have in years. I'm considering joining an intramural team next year.
Last year I wasn't very active in the church. I didn't feel like I related well to people in the college group, and I had a good batch of friends outside of it. It was easier. Now I'm going to everything I can, trying to meet new people, and almost certainly looking for a group in Berkeley to join.
I hate public speaking, and have for years. Especially hearing it recorded; I hated having speaking roles in movies, and still refuse to watch the tape of my valedictorian speech. Now I'm occasionally guest hosting The Spoiler Warning podcast (http://www.thespoilerwarning.com), and finding it's really fun.
In short, something is changing in me. In trivial ways (podcast, sports) and important ones (honors degree, research), I'm striving to take every chance that comes my way. I'm working 4-5 days a week, booking every night with some activity or commitment, and feeling great. Next semester will be insanely busy, and I'll probably be in way over my head. But the rush of pushing myself so hard is intoxicating. Bad metaphors include: running a marathon, coming up for a breath of fresh air after being under-water, seeing the sunrise after a long night, that long hilly bike ride I did last week and nearly fainted from, and Sisyphus pushing a rock up a hill.
Goodnight.
Life, in general, has come easy to me. That might sound prideful; if it does, I'm sorry. Growing up I was always a straight-A student, and that infuriating kind who you knew wasn't even trying. I always had a close group of friends, never had a major tragedy hit me, always had a loving and fully-function family, never been deeply depressed. I knew the things I wasn't good at (sports, public speaking) and easily steered clear of them. Breezing through life, no problem.
Except for this last semester. If you've read my blog, you already know, that weird things started happening (and if you don't like the redundancy, you can skip this paragraph). Problems breathing, a racing heartbeat and dizziness, an inability to focus or relax, and a general sense of unease haunting me at random times. Suddenly, far from breezing through life, I was crippled. I ditched most every discussion section or group meeting, to avoid embarrassment should those symptoms appear. I couldn't study before exams, and was only half there while I was taking them. Of course there were plenty of great days, but so many awful ones. I downplayed the awfulness to everyone, including roommates (if you're reading this), but it was there. I really felt, at times, like it would effectively ruin my life. That I'd fail all my classes, retreat from my friends, and completely crash and burn.
You've heard it before. Diagnosed with panic disorder, got treated, doing great now, blah blah blah. The point is, at the worst moments of last semester, I felt like life was impossible, even the most rote activity. Now things are tipping the other way.
As cheesy as it sounds, I really feel awake right now. Completely. And, with only two years left before I'm out of college and working a 9-5 job, I feel an urgent need to stretch myself as much as I can.
The day before I left Berkeley for summer, I got an e-mail inviting me to apply for the Honors degree. Only 10-20 people are generally admitted, and with no extra-curricular activity of any kind I didn't really think I had a shot. But I figured I'd write a 15-minute essay, fill out the paperwork, and turn it in just in case. Now I'm admitted, and instead of a lazy schedule next year, I'm taking 20 units.
A few weeks ago I got an e-mail asking if I'd write a program for the Athletic Department. Normally I'd be too lazy, but now I'm going to do it, for no particular reason.
Tonight I got an e-mail from a professor, asking if I'd be interested in doing research with him, working with making AI for auto-flying stunt copters, robotic insects, and even auto-surgeons. In the past professors have invited me to participate in extracurricular things with them (never this cool), but I always ignored it. I didn't need it to get a degree, and since it might require public speaking (which I hate), I figured it'd be easier to reject. Now, I just turned in my resume and transcript, and am excited to hear back. I'm also going to contact another professor about paid tutoring.
During the low point of last semester, I was in and out of the doctor's office and convinced I had a heart problem. So I took up running. I've never been an athletic person, but waking up before class, putting on headphones, and doing a 2-and-a-half mile run felt incredible. Now I'm playing soccer and tennis on a weekly basis, and going on excruciating bike rides with my dad. I'm sure I'll never be ripped, but I feel better than I have in years. I'm considering joining an intramural team next year.
Last year I wasn't very active in the church. I didn't feel like I related well to people in the college group, and I had a good batch of friends outside of it. It was easier. Now I'm going to everything I can, trying to meet new people, and almost certainly looking for a group in Berkeley to join.
I hate public speaking, and have for years. Especially hearing it recorded; I hated having speaking roles in movies, and still refuse to watch the tape of my valedictorian speech. Now I'm occasionally guest hosting The Spoiler Warning podcast (http://www.thespoilerwarning.com), and finding it's really fun.
In short, something is changing in me. In trivial ways (podcast, sports) and important ones (honors degree, research), I'm striving to take every chance that comes my way. I'm working 4-5 days a week, booking every night with some activity or commitment, and feeling great. Next semester will be insanely busy, and I'll probably be in way over my head. But the rush of pushing myself so hard is intoxicating. Bad metaphors include: running a marathon, coming up for a breath of fresh air after being under-water, seeing the sunrise after a long night, that long hilly bike ride I did last week and nearly fainted from, and Sisyphus pushing a rock up a hill.
Goodnight.
Monday, July 13, 2009
A Memory
I was just trying to fall asleep, but with no success. I figure I'll go in to work an hour late (it helps when you can set your own schedule!) and blog instead. This one will be personal.
Life is so uneven. I know that's a really vague thing to say, but it's true. Most of my days are pretty low-key. Important points are: where to eat lunch, what am I learning in class, who will I hang out with tonight? Personal comfort is pretty much all that is at stake, and I'm sure everyone is about the same. Of the 7,350 or so days that I've been alive, maybe 400 of them have been crucial enough to remember, and that's a very generous estimate. That's not to say they aren't important: big important things (like life) are made up of seemingly insignificant small things, which is a point I've beat to death a lot on this blog.
But, on very rare occasion, things are different. Something happens, and suddenly you've got real issues at stake: your future well-being, the well being of a friend, eternity, survival. There are moments when everything life was made up of seems trivial, the fight-or-flight response kicks in, and weighty issues are all there are.
Right now I'm remembering a Sunday 4 and a half years ago. Halloween actually. I was at the high school group at our church, and a very close friend (who had been struggling with depression and suicide) had vanished, leaving a note saying "goodbye." It was terrifying. His girlfriend fainted, and people crowded around to see what was happening. I and a few other guys immediately started searching the church, and couldn't find him, or anyone who had seen him. My brother and another friend ran into the sanctuary to get someone with a car. Others contacted church officials and told them to start a lookout. In hindsight those were the obvious things to do, but I couldn't think straight. Instead I left the group, and just ran. Blindly, manically. I ran out of the church and into the street, without any real destination, just this intense desperation. I remember thinking I was about to lose a best friend, that the seconds were just ticking down before a gun would go off or a knife would be used, and all I could do was shut my eyes and run. I was crying, gasping/shouting prayers, panting, and hopeless.
I'm not sure how long it took, but Google Maps tells me I ran a little over 2 miles, to Grand Ave, when I found him. He was walking, and I joined him, and waited for an adult to pick us up and take us home.
Now I don't want to twist the story to be anything more than it was. Odds are, nothing would have happened, and all my running did nothing. No heroics here. There was no weapon, no clock to beat, and certainly no immediate threat. But at the time, that life-or-death mentality was more real than I can possibly convey. I can't imagine, at that moment, caring about any of the things I usually occupy myself with. Certainly not my comfort, or the future, or even the absurdity of my plan. The present was everything. I'm not sure I've ever felt that so deeply.
Those sort of moments are extremely uncommon, but they stick with me. There's a reason I still remember that afternoon so vividly, even though, in hindsight, it wasn't any sort of milestone in my life. It was a complete abandonment of pretense and reason, and in its place a completely clear purpose, and a driving motivation to fulfill it. I think there's something very meaningful, even spiritual, in that sort of base desperation. You see yourself, in the rawest, most human, form.
The friend, obviously, is 100% fine, and possibly even reading this. Meanwhile, I've been buffing up on my running skills. So if you want to see how fast I can go, just leave a note.
Life is so uneven. I know that's a really vague thing to say, but it's true. Most of my days are pretty low-key. Important points are: where to eat lunch, what am I learning in class, who will I hang out with tonight? Personal comfort is pretty much all that is at stake, and I'm sure everyone is about the same. Of the 7,350 or so days that I've been alive, maybe 400 of them have been crucial enough to remember, and that's a very generous estimate. That's not to say they aren't important: big important things (like life) are made up of seemingly insignificant small things, which is a point I've beat to death a lot on this blog.
But, on very rare occasion, things are different. Something happens, and suddenly you've got real issues at stake: your future well-being, the well being of a friend, eternity, survival. There are moments when everything life was made up of seems trivial, the fight-or-flight response kicks in, and weighty issues are all there are.
Right now I'm remembering a Sunday 4 and a half years ago. Halloween actually. I was at the high school group at our church, and a very close friend (who had been struggling with depression and suicide) had vanished, leaving a note saying "goodbye." It was terrifying. His girlfriend fainted, and people crowded around to see what was happening. I and a few other guys immediately started searching the church, and couldn't find him, or anyone who had seen him. My brother and another friend ran into the sanctuary to get someone with a car. Others contacted church officials and told them to start a lookout. In hindsight those were the obvious things to do, but I couldn't think straight. Instead I left the group, and just ran. Blindly, manically. I ran out of the church and into the street, without any real destination, just this intense desperation. I remember thinking I was about to lose a best friend, that the seconds were just ticking down before a gun would go off or a knife would be used, and all I could do was shut my eyes and run. I was crying, gasping/shouting prayers, panting, and hopeless.
I'm not sure how long it took, but Google Maps tells me I ran a little over 2 miles, to Grand Ave, when I found him. He was walking, and I joined him, and waited for an adult to pick us up and take us home.
Now I don't want to twist the story to be anything more than it was. Odds are, nothing would have happened, and all my running did nothing. No heroics here. There was no weapon, no clock to beat, and certainly no immediate threat. But at the time, that life-or-death mentality was more real than I can possibly convey. I can't imagine, at that moment, caring about any of the things I usually occupy myself with. Certainly not my comfort, or the future, or even the absurdity of my plan. The present was everything. I'm not sure I've ever felt that so deeply.
Those sort of moments are extremely uncommon, but they stick with me. There's a reason I still remember that afternoon so vividly, even though, in hindsight, it wasn't any sort of milestone in my life. It was a complete abandonment of pretense and reason, and in its place a completely clear purpose, and a driving motivation to fulfill it. I think there's something very meaningful, even spiritual, in that sort of base desperation. You see yourself, in the rawest, most human, form.
The friend, obviously, is 100% fine, and possibly even reading this. Meanwhile, I've been buffing up on my running skills. So if you want to see how fast I can go, just leave a note.
Thursday, July 9, 2009
Memes, Streams, and Telephone Wheels
Apologies for the week-long delay between posts. The summer has been quite busy, and it can be hard to find time to blog sometimes. As you may notice, only one of these 14 blog posts has been done before midnight.
Apologies also for the annoying diction. To make up for the boring personal nature of the last post, a promise was made to cut the first-person tense entirely from this one. And, since honesty is key to any good relationship, that promise will be kept to the 'T', including: first person singular, possessive, AND plural. As a side-note, according to a quick Google search, "to the 'T'" is short for "to the tittle," which is an older expression. A tittle apparently refers to a minuscule stroke or mark, particularly the dot above an 'i'. So it's not about crossing 'T's like you might have thought, but it IS about dotting 'i's. Weird how that works.
Language and it's evolution is pretty interesting, isn't it? All gradual change is, for that matter, but language is something very fluid and easy to spot. Consider that phrase "to the tittle." Over a hundred years or so, it became "to the 'T'" (according to trusty Google.) But how did that happen? When did one person, out of nowhere, invent a phrase, and have the entire culture use it, to the point where most people have no idea what it was originally meant to abridge? Or go back a step: somewhere, at some point in time, someone was trying to convey the idea of "very precise", and came up with the phrase "to the tittle." He/she used it in a conversation, someone else heard it, started using it in more conversations, etc. Somehow, that grew into a household phrase, but I doubt the originator was given any credit, or even realized what was happening. Or go back a much bigger leap. English grew out of Old English (which, as anyone who's tried reading it can attest, is almost completely illegible.) But there was never a definite moment when everyone voted and decided to use new words in lieu of old ones. Most people, probably, would have hated that idea of change. But slowly people just started pronouncing things differently, hearing them pronounced by native speakers of other languages, and gradually it just shifted.
It's like a game of telephone, but instead of just going from person to person, it's going from generation to generation. Everything starts out clear and easy to the person at the beginning of the line, but by the end it's completely scrambled. As an example, here's a line you might recognize: "Si thin nama gehalgod." It started in maybe 1000 A.D., and passed on through, say, 25 generations. Now it's 1500 A.D.,and a person is saying "Be thy name hallowed." 5 or 6 generations later, a scribe is writing in the King James Bible "Hallowed be thy name." Of course, it's a line from the Lord's Prayer (Old English translation couresty, again, of google). Something happened. Aside from "si" becoming "be" and the words being rearranged, you can still hear traces of the original. It's just been scrambled, passed through the telephone, each time slightly misheard.
Dawkins has this idea of the "meme": an idea, which exists and propagates through societies the same way a gene propagates through generations. They are born (invented/coined), reproduce (spread from person to person), and mutated (like the Lord's Prayer above). All the ideas about natural selection, survival of the fittest, etc. seem like they fit memes too. the difference between that and genetics, of course, is that a child can't pass his genes onto a parent. But people can go back and forth, letting the genes mutate and mutate; like the above game of telephone, but in a circle, instead of a line. It's only an analogy. But it's a pretty powerful one.
The existence of "fads" or a "Zeitgeist" is really a pretty amazing thing. Every person is an independent agent, but somehow in society, it seems that everyone changes at once. A certain thing becomes "cool" or likeable, another thing becomes ugly or stupid. A political sentiment that older generations wouldn't ever relate to, newer ones do. A politician who loses one election, might win the next 4 years later, even if he hasn't changed at all. Ideas and feelings, like language, spread through groups of people, and, for lack of a better word, mutate. All with people who don't feel the sway. Like a stream of water, which is made up of individual molecules colliding randomly at high speeds; but it still flows and moves through a specific course. The spread of anything, from Chuck Norris jokes being funny to Democrats beating out Republicans in the elections, is the same. Each person is making decisions on his/her own, but over time, huge, clear trends can be tracked, put on a graph, and seen as smooth. Individuals are unpredictable, but groups are slow and obvious. It's the same old idea of meaning arising out of chaos, but in a new guise.
That's all folks. And just for the record, the topic of this post (or any post) was not planned. It really did come from looking up what "to the 'T'" meant, and the super lame Planes Trains and Automobiles title added at the end. So if the segways seem lame, you can blame train-of-thought associations. But hopefully they're not too lame. No 1st person, by the way. Success!
Apologies also for the annoying diction. To make up for the boring personal nature of the last post, a promise was made to cut the first-person tense entirely from this one. And, since honesty is key to any good relationship, that promise will be kept to the 'T', including: first person singular, possessive, AND plural. As a side-note, according to a quick Google search, "to the 'T'" is short for "to the tittle," which is an older expression. A tittle apparently refers to a minuscule stroke or mark, particularly the dot above an 'i'. So it's not about crossing 'T's like you might have thought, but it IS about dotting 'i's. Weird how that works.
Language and it's evolution is pretty interesting, isn't it? All gradual change is, for that matter, but language is something very fluid and easy to spot. Consider that phrase "to the tittle." Over a hundred years or so, it became "to the 'T'" (according to trusty Google.) But how did that happen? When did one person, out of nowhere, invent a phrase, and have the entire culture use it, to the point where most people have no idea what it was originally meant to abridge? Or go back a step: somewhere, at some point in time, someone was trying to convey the idea of "very precise", and came up with the phrase "to the tittle." He/she used it in a conversation, someone else heard it, started using it in more conversations, etc. Somehow, that grew into a household phrase, but I doubt the originator was given any credit, or even realized what was happening. Or go back a much bigger leap. English grew out of Old English (which, as anyone who's tried reading it can attest, is almost completely illegible.) But there was never a definite moment when everyone voted and decided to use new words in lieu of old ones. Most people, probably, would have hated that idea of change. But slowly people just started pronouncing things differently, hearing them pronounced by native speakers of other languages, and gradually it just shifted.
It's like a game of telephone, but instead of just going from person to person, it's going from generation to generation. Everything starts out clear and easy to the person at the beginning of the line, but by the end it's completely scrambled. As an example, here's a line you might recognize: "Si thin nama gehalgod." It started in maybe 1000 A.D., and passed on through, say, 25 generations. Now it's 1500 A.D.,and a person is saying "Be thy name hallowed." 5 or 6 generations later, a scribe is writing in the King James Bible "Hallowed be thy name." Of course, it's a line from the Lord's Prayer (Old English translation couresty, again, of google). Something happened. Aside from "si" becoming "be" and the words being rearranged, you can still hear traces of the original. It's just been scrambled, passed through the telephone, each time slightly misheard.
Dawkins has this idea of the "meme": an idea, which exists and propagates through societies the same way a gene propagates through generations. They are born (invented/coined), reproduce (spread from person to person), and mutated (like the Lord's Prayer above). All the ideas about natural selection, survival of the fittest, etc. seem like they fit memes too. the difference between that and genetics, of course, is that a child can't pass his genes onto a parent. But people can go back and forth, letting the genes mutate and mutate; like the above game of telephone, but in a circle, instead of a line. It's only an analogy. But it's a pretty powerful one.
The existence of "fads" or a "Zeitgeist" is really a pretty amazing thing. Every person is an independent agent, but somehow in society, it seems that everyone changes at once. A certain thing becomes "cool" or likeable, another thing becomes ugly or stupid. A political sentiment that older generations wouldn't ever relate to, newer ones do. A politician who loses one election, might win the next 4 years later, even if he hasn't changed at all. Ideas and feelings, like language, spread through groups of people, and, for lack of a better word, mutate. All with people who don't feel the sway. Like a stream of water, which is made up of individual molecules colliding randomly at high speeds; but it still flows and moves through a specific course. The spread of anything, from Chuck Norris jokes being funny to Democrats beating out Republicans in the elections, is the same. Each person is making decisions on his/her own, but over time, huge, clear trends can be tracked, put on a graph, and seen as smooth. Individuals are unpredictable, but groups are slow and obvious. It's the same old idea of meaning arising out of chaos, but in a new guise.
That's all folks. And just for the record, the topic of this post (or any post) was not planned. It really did come from looking up what "to the 'T'" meant, and the super lame Planes Trains and Automobiles title added at the end. So if the segways seem lame, you can blame train-of-thought associations. But hopefully they're not too lame. No 1st person, by the way. Success!
Friday, July 3, 2009
As Close to a Diary As I'll Ever Get
I said from the beginning that this blog would be for "thoughts" and not really personal stuff. I guess that's mostly still true, but I'm going to break form tonight. Sorry everyone (Miles and maybe someone else?)
This summer has been pretty great for me. To start with, I finished my last semester with a 4.0, and just got into the honors degree program at Berkeley. That sort of thing definitely makes it easy to relax over the summer, feeling like I've earned it a bit. I really don't want to seem like I'm bragging, since I know if I read a blog (or Twitter) with someone talking about that sort of thing, I'd be annoyed. But, especially with all the crap I went through last semester (see earlier post), it's a huge relief to me that everything turned out so well. Like the calm after a storm, or something along those lines.
Then there's work: I've been working 5 days a week at a great job. While other friends are stocking shelves or flipping burgers, I'm in an office designing a catalog, or a recording studio with a narrator, or at home listening to a book. Really fulfilling stuff, getting to use some actual talents (programming, writing) at a job and see the finished product, especially for a good, Christian company. Next Monday a few thousand catalogs will be printed, and seeing descriptions I've written and stylistic decisions actually being used, is going to be a good feeling. It's not much (anyone could do it), but it definitely beats Dairy Queen.
Outside of work, I've been spending a lot of time with friends. I've been a lot more active (weekly soccer, tennis, beach, etc), which feels great. I've spent plenty of time with old friends (who might read this blog?), but I've also been getting to know a lot of people from church, which has been incredibly refreshing. Probably moreso than I let on. I only went to church a handful of times this last year at college, and I'd forgotten how nice it feels. When I do go back next month, I hope to keep in touch.
Compare that to last summer. At the beginning of the summer, I broke up with my girlfriend of three years (who might actually be reading this.) We had gotten very close, to the point where it was almost assumed by us (and parents) that we'd eventually get married. Now, with no teenage angst or emo tendencies in me, I'll say that it hurts to do that to someone. Very much. And the month or two afterwards, sharing the same group of friends and needing to learn to adjust to everything, arguments and all, was rough. I spent plenty of time alone to leave some breathing room for it all, and things were much quieter much more often. It was definitely a new feeling for me. Something most people will feel many times, and to a much worse degree, than I did, I understand. But still, they weren't the cheeriest of times.
Weirdly enough though, my memory of that summer isn't really bad. The opposite, actually. There's something about sadness and solitude that's sort of pure. The best way I can describe it is cathartic, or rejuvinating. The same reason I like driving alone overnight, or listening to sad music or watching a sad movie, on occasion. Or the same reason I want, in the near future, to leave early in the morning and take a solo drive to the desert before sunrise, and just sit there. It seems cliche and silly, but I really think those sort of moments are worth pursuing...in small doses, of course. Being a generally sad person is an imbalanced way to live, but I think constantly surrounding yourself with people and happy thoughts is too. We need both, at times.
So, there's a healthy dose of personal stuff for you. I feel a little guilty writing it, to be honest. There's no analogy or neat underlying theme to tie everything together, just some unrelated thoughts. I'm very sorry. That's as close to a diary as I'll ever get, I give you my word on that. Next post I won't even use the first person!
This summer has been pretty great for me. To start with, I finished my last semester with a 4.0, and just got into the honors degree program at Berkeley. That sort of thing definitely makes it easy to relax over the summer, feeling like I've earned it a bit. I really don't want to seem like I'm bragging, since I know if I read a blog (or Twitter) with someone talking about that sort of thing, I'd be annoyed. But, especially with all the crap I went through last semester (see earlier post), it's a huge relief to me that everything turned out so well. Like the calm after a storm, or something along those lines.
Then there's work: I've been working 5 days a week at a great job. While other friends are stocking shelves or flipping burgers, I'm in an office designing a catalog, or a recording studio with a narrator, or at home listening to a book. Really fulfilling stuff, getting to use some actual talents (programming, writing) at a job and see the finished product, especially for a good, Christian company. Next Monday a few thousand catalogs will be printed, and seeing descriptions I've written and stylistic decisions actually being used, is going to be a good feeling. It's not much (anyone could do it), but it definitely beats Dairy Queen.
Outside of work, I've been spending a lot of time with friends. I've been a lot more active (weekly soccer, tennis, beach, etc), which feels great. I've spent plenty of time with old friends (who might read this blog?), but I've also been getting to know a lot of people from church, which has been incredibly refreshing. Probably moreso than I let on. I only went to church a handful of times this last year at college, and I'd forgotten how nice it feels. When I do go back next month, I hope to keep in touch.
Compare that to last summer. At the beginning of the summer, I broke up with my girlfriend of three years (who might actually be reading this.) We had gotten very close, to the point where it was almost assumed by us (and parents) that we'd eventually get married. Now, with no teenage angst or emo tendencies in me, I'll say that it hurts to do that to someone. Very much. And the month or two afterwards, sharing the same group of friends and needing to learn to adjust to everything, arguments and all, was rough. I spent plenty of time alone to leave some breathing room for it all, and things were much quieter much more often. It was definitely a new feeling for me. Something most people will feel many times, and to a much worse degree, than I did, I understand. But still, they weren't the cheeriest of times.
Weirdly enough though, my memory of that summer isn't really bad. The opposite, actually. There's something about sadness and solitude that's sort of pure. The best way I can describe it is cathartic, or rejuvinating. The same reason I like driving alone overnight, or listening to sad music or watching a sad movie, on occasion. Or the same reason I want, in the near future, to leave early in the morning and take a solo drive to the desert before sunrise, and just sit there. It seems cliche and silly, but I really think those sort of moments are worth pursuing...in small doses, of course. Being a generally sad person is an imbalanced way to live, but I think constantly surrounding yourself with people and happy thoughts is too. We need both, at times.
So, there's a healthy dose of personal stuff for you. I feel a little guilty writing it, to be honest. There's no analogy or neat underlying theme to tie everything together, just some unrelated thoughts. I'm very sorry. That's as close to a diary as I'll ever get, I give you my word on that. Next post I won't even use the first person!
Sunday, June 28, 2009
Fighting Selfishness
I remember, growing up, thinking at times "What if everyone else is a robot, and I'm the only real person?" Aside from showing my absolute nerdiness, I don't think questions like that are really very useful. It's impossible to disprove, like "What if this is all a dream?" or "What if I'm in the matrix?", but in the end, it's just silly. We know it's not true. But I think, more often than we realize, we feel that it's true, or something like it.
One of the greatest aspects of human intelligence, and a big field in AI research, is our ability to categorize. We take specifics in our surroundings, and apply them to a general category, matching patterns and making predictions. When you pick an apple off a tree and prepare to bite into it, you have a good idea what it will taste like. You've never tasted that specific apple, and know nothing about it, but you've categorized it. You have reason to believe it fits the "apple" category, and will have all the flavors that go with it. Sometimes that sort of reasoning leads you astray (there's a bad apple in every bunch, OH the puns burn), but we couldn't function without it.
We do the same thing with people. You can never be sure, whether you're just meeting someone or have known him your whole life, what his next action will be. But that doesn't mean everything has to be a complete surprise: people, like anything else, can fall into categories, and from them we can make educated guesses about their behavior. The more you know about someone, the deeper that category gets, but it's always going to be a little shallow.
So we have these categories: Republican, Democrat, Christian, Atheist, black, white, etc. We try to fit people into boxes of useable size, and in some sense feel like we've "figured them out." As an extreme, take political propaganda. Republicans as naive gun-toting hicks. Democrats as pansy snobbish idealists. Christians as willfully ignorant, out of touch with the world. Atheists as evil conspirators incapable of a selfless act.
Contrast that to what we see in ourselves. That inner light we have, consciousness, is an amazing thing. Within your memory is stored an innumerable amount of thoughts, perceptions, and emotions. You are constantly evaluating the world around you, weighing millions of hypotheticals, and making difficult decisions without batting an eye. You are (or at least, feel) completely free, to think and act however you wish. And you try (for the most part) to take the best actions possible. You see yourself as inconceivably complex, beyond any stereotype. Whether you'd admit it or not, there are times when you feel much more real than anyone else. It's only natural: you know yourself best, and can see your innermost thoughts, while in everyone else you just have rough actions to guide you.
But imagine a world where we saw everyone in the same light we see ourselves. If I could walk through a crowd of strangers, and really feel that all of them are experiencing thoughts, feelings, sensations, and memories, as deeply as I experience my own. That every action they take and belief they hold, has been thought through and carefully chosen. That they share the same light of consciousness that I do. It's an overwhelming thought, but a powerful one.
How could we begin to shrug off the enormity of suffering in the world? How could we see a person in need and, knowing that they feel pain as deeply as we do, not help? How could we buy the partisan crap from either side of any argument, telling us that all opponents are blind to obvious answers, are fueled by only selfish motives, or are simply "stupid"? Political parties, unified only in strawmen and cliched phrases, would crumble. Wars fought over abstract ideas like "country" or "race" or "religion" would be impossible: those convenient categories would be empty, and not worth the snuffing out of a single human life.
Of course, that will never happen. It's too easy to put a person's humanity in a shallow box, to manipulate or ignore as we see fit. And if we do manage to put everyone in simple categories, we can feel completely sovereign. The temptation is too strong. That it's even possible, in any degree, is a testament to the miracle of love.
I may never completely practice what I preach. But to the best of my ability, I'd like to try. And that means recognizing that everyone around me is of the same infinite worth, and warrants the same respect I'd give myself. It means forgetting the slogans and hateful bashing, and fighting to see the good in everyone, and the merit in their opinions. It's hard to do, especially in a world full of cynicism. But it's the truth.
One of the greatest aspects of human intelligence, and a big field in AI research, is our ability to categorize. We take specifics in our surroundings, and apply them to a general category, matching patterns and making predictions. When you pick an apple off a tree and prepare to bite into it, you have a good idea what it will taste like. You've never tasted that specific apple, and know nothing about it, but you've categorized it. You have reason to believe it fits the "apple" category, and will have all the flavors that go with it. Sometimes that sort of reasoning leads you astray (there's a bad apple in every bunch, OH the puns burn), but we couldn't function without it.
We do the same thing with people. You can never be sure, whether you're just meeting someone or have known him your whole life, what his next action will be. But that doesn't mean everything has to be a complete surprise: people, like anything else, can fall into categories, and from them we can make educated guesses about their behavior. The more you know about someone, the deeper that category gets, but it's always going to be a little shallow.
So we have these categories: Republican, Democrat, Christian, Atheist, black, white, etc. We try to fit people into boxes of useable size, and in some sense feel like we've "figured them out." As an extreme, take political propaganda. Republicans as naive gun-toting hicks. Democrats as pansy snobbish idealists. Christians as willfully ignorant, out of touch with the world. Atheists as evil conspirators incapable of a selfless act.
Contrast that to what we see in ourselves. That inner light we have, consciousness, is an amazing thing. Within your memory is stored an innumerable amount of thoughts, perceptions, and emotions. You are constantly evaluating the world around you, weighing millions of hypotheticals, and making difficult decisions without batting an eye. You are (or at least, feel) completely free, to think and act however you wish. And you try (for the most part) to take the best actions possible. You see yourself as inconceivably complex, beyond any stereotype. Whether you'd admit it or not, there are times when you feel much more real than anyone else. It's only natural: you know yourself best, and can see your innermost thoughts, while in everyone else you just have rough actions to guide you.
But imagine a world where we saw everyone in the same light we see ourselves. If I could walk through a crowd of strangers, and really feel that all of them are experiencing thoughts, feelings, sensations, and memories, as deeply as I experience my own. That every action they take and belief they hold, has been thought through and carefully chosen. That they share the same light of consciousness that I do. It's an overwhelming thought, but a powerful one.
How could we begin to shrug off the enormity of suffering in the world? How could we see a person in need and, knowing that they feel pain as deeply as we do, not help? How could we buy the partisan crap from either side of any argument, telling us that all opponents are blind to obvious answers, are fueled by only selfish motives, or are simply "stupid"? Political parties, unified only in strawmen and cliched phrases, would crumble. Wars fought over abstract ideas like "country" or "race" or "religion" would be impossible: those convenient categories would be empty, and not worth the snuffing out of a single human life.
Of course, that will never happen. It's too easy to put a person's humanity in a shallow box, to manipulate or ignore as we see fit. And if we do manage to put everyone in simple categories, we can feel completely sovereign. The temptation is too strong. That it's even possible, in any degree, is a testament to the miracle of love.
I may never completely practice what I preach. But to the best of my ability, I'd like to try. And that means recognizing that everyone around me is of the same infinite worth, and warrants the same respect I'd give myself. It means forgetting the slogans and hateful bashing, and fighting to see the good in everyone, and the merit in their opinions. It's hard to do, especially in a world full of cynicism. But it's the truth.
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